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1000mg Seroquel keeps low-income people from complaining about things, says ‘Hopeful’ new study



A new study released by the American Psychiatric Journal of Brain Diseases reveals that poverty (medically labeled as depression, anxiety, drug seeking, not having confidence, ‘being lazy’, ‘having a breakdown’, not being grateful etc) has an effective medical treatment.

Lead author of the study, Dr. Mark Gaslighterssimo PHD, decided to conduct the double-blind trial on 70 millennials with a negative net worth who were 30 years old and playing video games half the day in their parents house. He found that after repeat oral administrations of Seroquel and SSRIs, the male study participants no longer posted angry rants on social media about loneliness and were no longer fearful of the future.

The researchers said they have disproven a particular theory about mood

Dr. Mark Gaslighterso, an avid Fox News fan, decided to conduct the study after watching a video by prominent academic Jordan Peterson. He said he once enjoyed Peterson, particularly when Peterson discussed how he feels welfare recipients need to clean their room, but one video by Peterson made Dr. Mark feel angry and uncomfortable. In the video, Peterson discusses evidence that extreme and persistent human suffering may be simply caused by social exclusion and being low-status (sexually, monetarily, and/or otherwise). Reminscent of the writings of the late Italian anti-psychiatrist Franco Basaglia. Seeking to disprove Jordan’s argument in the video, which he felt has has too much influence on public discourse, Dr. Gasslightino began his Seroquel study. Dr. Gasslightino said his study has proven that abnormal thinking patterns are due to inherited dopamine levels rather than low social status.

Criticism lodged at Dr. Gaslightissimo

Responding to widespread criticism from public watchdogs about the study being laughable, Dr. Mark and his colleagues later commented that Seroquel, SSRIs, and related drugs are not a complete solution, but part of the ‘healing process of recovery’ and that this study is part of a ‘broad array of evidence suggesting drugs calm people down’.

Although, there was no evidence the patients in the study beat placebo by more than 4 points on the Hamilton Depression Rating scale (what is generally considered a clinically significant response rather than a statistically significant response), they, looked more calm, said Dr. Mark.

In response to criticism that Seroquel and SSRIs cause heart disease and arrhythmias long-term, Dr. Mark also said he, “only prescribes psychotropics as a last resort“. However, an interview with a patient of his divulges to that he medicates all his patients with daily psychotropic drugs and frequently send people involuntarily to get drugged up.

‘They looked more calm’

–Dr. Mark Gaslighterssimo

The motivation of the unemployed study participants to find a job went down during the study. But Dr. Mark and his colleagues optimistically responded that if patients who receive prescribed daily psychotropics do not die on the streets in the long run, group homes might force them to work anyway, increasing their work ethic.

Overall, A Job Well Done

Due to the study, which has been published widely, the local San Francisco (the city mark lives in) police have decided to involuntarily admit homeless people into psychiatric hospitals that had spare rooms so that they can get drugged up. Dr. Mark plans to take a trip to Bermuda to discuss his findings with a 100 thousand dollar grant from Yale University.

Psychiatrist and leading advocate of forced psychiatry: Dr. E. Fuller Torrey, applauded the police force on a, “job well done”.

(this article is satire, none of this stuff actually happened)

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